Debra Thomas Burhans

Get Your Certified Pre-Owned Ken!

Tonight I was listening to the "Canadian Edge", namely, 102.1FM Toronto, which does air some very strange things. I turned the radio on in the middle of a commercial. Then I swear I heard the narrator mention a certified pre-owned KEN. OK, I thought, it's not a real commercial, it's a parody. This is typical for this radio station, which also has no restrictions on language. You know, up in Canada they don't bleep out song lyrics (oh my goodness would you cover your ears) and they make it hard to buy guns. An irony expounded upon in great detail in the South Park Movie. But I digress. I had to ponder the possibility of a certified pre-owned Ken (TM Mattel Inc.) "Certified" might apply: Genuine MATTEL (made in Hong Kong, or is it ROC?) plastic-molded body. But "pre-owned"? I guess that would be a child who took extremely good care of his or her Ken. No lengthy submersion in the bathtub, legs and head not removed on a regular basis, and no change of state of hair. How blasted boring! I mean, if you can't experiment with Ken he's about as dull as they come in the plastic doll world. As far as the "hair" goes, let's face it, only a few Ken models actually have hair, the rest have a plastic wave that puts Dippity-Do to shame. On the plus side it is low maintenance and it's great for coloring jobs. Magic markers are wonderful things in the right hands. Unfortunately the entire certified pre-owned Ken scenario came crashing down when they mentioned Chrysler. It was a bit too much of a stretch to imagine Chrysler responding to the current economic crisis by branching out into certified pre-owned Kens. So it was certified pre-owned CAR, not KEN. Another terrific, creative idea drowned out by something terribly mundane. And what is going on with this "pre-owned" nonsense? Even Orwell didn't conceive of that level of doublespeak. What happened to good old "used"? I suppose "pre-owned" has a sanitariness about it. I (erroneously, I am certain) imagine a driver who never enters the vehicle except while wearing white gloves. This putative driver never transports dogs, cats, and small children in his or her car, no, I am sure that new-car scented air "freshener" (a word that is the antithesis of the thing to which it refers, it should be called "polluter") would be applied on a regular basis. On the other hand, "used" smacks of bagel wrappers and coffee cups stuffed hastily under seats, rusting pennies stuck in metallic nooks and crannies, and crayons melted to the dashboard. No, I certainly could never call my 1991 2-door Honda Civic "pre-owned". Perhaps "post-owned" would be more appropriate. Given the zero probability of my entering the certified pre-owned car market, perhaps this certified pre-owned Ken thing could work. Imagine the possibilities of certified pre-owed Barbies. What about Tressy? Once you yanked that hair out a bit too hard it was difficult to stuff it back inside the head, despite repeated pushing of the hair controlling button (located on the stomach), but I'm sure with the miracles of modern science we can find a way to do it. But this is too much pie in the sky. I think my doll collection has engaged in leg and head swapping far too many times to earn any moniker other than "used", and for that I am thankful.